Should I Try Gentle Parenting?

If you’ve been on social media, you’ve probably seen more than one influencer promoting “gentle parenting” as the latest trend in childrearing. Gentle parenting is supposed to improve empathy, respect, and the child/parent bond, but it often looks to outside observers as if parents are ceding control to their kids. What’s the right interpretation of this parenting method, and, more importantly, does it work? Keep reading to take a look at the goals and outcomes of this parenting style to see if it’s right for you.

What is gentle parenting?
Gentle parenting is a parenting style that aims to determine the root cause of a child’s behavior and use empathy to induce self-regulation as opposed to traditional parenting methods that use discipline or punishment to change a child’s unwanted behavior. Gentle parenting is supposed to focus on validating a child’s feelings, treating the child as an individual, involving the child in problem-solving, parental modeling of appropriate behavior, setting clear limits, and allowing natural consequences. Parents use emotional coaching techniques to redirect a child’s behavior and help him or her learn self-regulating skills.

In theory, this type of parenting sounds good. Who doesn’t want a child who is empathetic, who learns to self-regulate his behavior, who doesn’t need punishment, and who has a wonderful, loving relationship with his or her parent?

Does it work?
In practice, this style of parenting does not always work. It can also add a lot of stress on parents because of the amount of time and effort it takes to implement. And the pressure from influencers who make the process appear easy can make parents who are struggling feel like failures.

Furthermore, it’s important to remember that empathy doesn’t fix everything. And how often does rationalizing with toddlers work? If an action is inherently wrong, will talking about it create a change in behavior? Toddlers don’t always have the capacity to understand why a behavior is undesirable and how to self-regulate.

Also: kids are going to be kids, and that means they will sometimes engage in undesirable behaviors just to test limits. Gentle parenting techniques are unlikely to work in these situations.

When Gentle Parenting Fails
There are no scientific studies showing that gentle parenting works as well as – much less better than – traditional styles of parenting. However, there are definite concerns when parents focus on feelings over responsibility. If not balanced with clear consequences for misbehavior, gentle parenting can turn into permissive parenting, resulting in

• Poor boundaries
• Poor emotional regulation
• Entitlement, making it hard for a child to adapt to the real world
• Lack of respect for authority, including increased defiance and aggression
• Lack of moral development with no empathy for others
• Lack of resilience resulting in children who struggle with criticism and failure because their feelings have constantly been validated so they can’t handle discomfort
• Lack of consequences and lack of awareness of the real consequences of their actions
• Significant parent burnout as gentle parenting is hard to implement consistently and in public

Parenting experts remind parents it is possible to have a close connection with your children and also impose consequences for inappropriate behavior. Now, let’s take a look at discipline from a biblical perspective.

Consider the following Bible passages:
Ephesians 6:1-4 (NIV) - “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother – which is the first commandment with a promise – so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth. Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

Hebrews 12:4-11 (NIV) - “In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says, ‘My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.’ Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”

Dr. James Emery White points out that gentle parenting rejects the idea that kids are inherently bad. As Christians we know that all of us – kids included – have a level of willful disobedience. We all need instruction and correction to help us grow.

Children are to obey and honor their parents, and parents are to bring up their children with love and discipline. It is possible to be gentle as parents and to discipline. The verses above remind us God is gentle with us but He disciplines us because He loves us. We should do the same with our children. Parents should also remember that discipline is not the same thing as punishment. Discipline teaches; punishment does not. Discipline is inherent within any healthy loving and good parent/child relationship.

Discipline should have two goals: authority and character formation.
The Royal Society of Medicine in the UK conducted a study that shows teens who have a lack of respect for authority (a potential side effect of poorly implemented gentle parenting) have increased risks of depression, teen pregnancies, obesity, and violence toward authority. When we empower kids without discipline, we increase the risk for the children to become violent.

Discipline should shape a child’s character as well as his or her behavior. When applied correctly, discipline should direct, lead, form, and mold a child’s inner world. Well-disciplined children are more likely to honor and respect authority.

Should You Try Gentle Parenting?
Parenting needs, styles, and techniques change as children grow. Each new stage and scenario your child faces will test you. And sometimes kids do things on purpose to test their boundaries and yours. Furthermore, discipline techniques that work with one child or in one situation may not work with his or her sibling or in another situation. It’s important to remember that there is no one size fits all discipline method.  And it’s equally important to remember that friends, family – and especially social media influencers – shouldn’t make you feel guilty about finding and implementing the parenting style that is right for each child in your family. Will you mess up? Most likely; we all do. We just remember to discipline in love, humility, and the desire to honor God and raise godly children and adjust as needed.

About One by One
One by One provides volunteer mentors to serve pregnant and new moms. Mentors teach moms strategies to support babies’ growth in language, emotional, social, and motor skill development through their first few years. Mentors meet monthly with moms, sharing strategies appropriate for the child’s current age. Our monthly curriculum also includes lessons what discipline means and how and when to implement appropriate disciplinary techniques.

If you or someone you know is pregnant or a new mom, you can request a One by One mentor by clicking here. Your mentor will meet with you each month in-person or virtually throughout your pregnancy and your child’s early years providing friendship, support, and education as you learn to parent well. There is no charge to participate in our program.